The opposite Game Part 2- Quiet Versus Outspoken

Priest: Why do you want to divorce your husband?
Woman: Because I can't take him anymore.
Priest: Why can't you take him anymore?
Woman: We fight a lot, and more often about the smallest things...
Priest: Like what, tell me more.
Woman: More than a dozen of times I have reminded my husband to squeeze the toothpaste properly, not in the middle of the tube, but he does it all the time!

That woman is not me but in more ways I am in a similar situation to  her. I said that  because of the  petty fights I have with  my husband.   Ours is not all about a toothpaste but we can pick up small fights from a number of household and personal items. Such as the sugar content in an orange juice drink or even  my chosen ringer sound for notifications. Few times we argued about security and PUK codes on our iphones. TV is the usual starting point of our fight.  More often it begins small and then gradually,  becomes explosive like the dreaded atomic bomb.

As I have mentioned on my first post, the fairy tale chapter of our love story already ended because this is now the reality.  A kind of reality more of a punch on my face because for yelling it out loud - my husband and I are in fact, two different persons. We got along well because we have something in common. Well for the newlywed couples out there, you better  braise yourselves  for this piece of advise:  You will get to know your  real partner once you both live under one roof.

And what did I find out big time about my husband? Now  I know he is a complete opposite of me because while I keep quiet,  he just keeps yapping. No longer I am feeling grateful to be off working as a teacher and listening to  65 kids and 6 co-teachers . Here I can hear my husband give feedback, justify, analyse, complain, stress and moan. Honestly, it is like hearing  my  students and co-teachers all over again.

"The quietest people have the loudest minds"

Thank you pinterest for those rejuvenating words.  Mulling it over gave  me  a feeling of relief. It has made me reach a certain understanding and acceptance of two things I cannot change - first is the culture I have been immersed in.  Second and  more importantly, my Introvert Personality. Those are two must-remember things to tell myself  the next moment   I gaze in the  self-reflection mirror. 

I-N-T-R-O-V-E-R-T- Yes , that is what makes up maybe a big percentage of my personality that is  starting to show up again. Putting it in Johari's  window panes , my introvert personality was once chucked into the blind spot area after gaining enough experiences and skills working for a multicultural school in Manila. Since I have moved out of Manila and the comfort zone I know is now about  six thousand miles away from me, that introvert self is gradually moving back to where it used to belong - it is now exposed in public and going virally known to all!

"May, you've got to think out loud more often!", that was the advice I heard from a former expat boss eleven years ago. Come to think of it, I am hearing it again. This time from the person I sleep and wake up with everyday- my husband.  

For an introvert person like me,  living in a foreign community that is mostly dominated by people who are outspoken makes me think that I am less capable of many things. I basically need time to think before I communicate. For some reasons,When I am bombarded with questions that I have to answer shortly afterwards,  I cannot fully express myself. Is there something wrong with me? Of course, I cannot live everyday of my life believing that something is wrong with me. So I give it a thought and I try to give justice to the alarming question I often ask myself instead of believing that it will just hold me back. 

I came across Susan Cain's analysis of the introvert personality in her book ' Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking' . The title itself already strikes me with a thunderbolt because the Dutch community is mostly populated by extroverts and they are  talking out loud.  NON-STOP.

Amazing and at the same time, interesting. Putting it in my own analysis , Dutch extroverts probably have their brains' neurological wires  directly connected to their vocal cords. Compared to mine,  where maybe just  a few  are plugged in straight to my vocal cords and the rest   are distributed to my other sensorial organs. However, the next thing to ponder on is whether the real culprit to loudness  is a massive load of coffee drinking. (Hmmm... I better drink more coffee then)

Going back to Susan Cain's book, I have read that Asians have this common trait known as 'quiet persistence'.  One significant point I read is that Asians, if allowed to be quiet, are able to effectively solve problems compared to westerners , who generally think out loud when solving problems. After reading this, in my head I quietly screamed - HOW TRUE! This comparison between Asians and  Caucasians were studied by educational researchers to see how cultural background affect learning in school. That was a compelling  read that made me think about interracial couples,  myself and my husband as one good example. At home, my husband and I can attest that each of us have distinctive ways of drawing out solutions to problems. Our approaches are so far apart that these can obviously manifest our opposite personalities and so the battle begins between the  introvert versus the extrovert. As I have provided enough information, you can quickly take  a good guess who (between my husband and I)   is who. 

Without bashing more on extroverts , what matters the most  is  how to  even out cultural differences and this is belangrijk (important) particularly  to married couples who have different cultural backgrounds.  I  may sound like I am in a complicated situation  here since I mentioned how  reality is like a painful punch but to survive, just simply  punch back. No Pain , no gain.

During our quiet moments ( yes my husband can be quiet too) I have had serious talks with my husband who is after all  a  sweet ,  caring  and supportive husband  (not to forget to mention - gwapo too). In his most philosophical moment , this is what he said, Let us  learn to celebrate our differences. So we asked  this question to ourselves- What is it in Dutch and  the Filipino Culture we feel most proud of ? We did not talk about our own culture but instead I enumerated what I observed about the Dutch that I like best, then my husband talked about what he most appreciated  in my culture. On my own standpoint,  I  observed that  the Dutch are  straightforward but in a constructive way. They generally take criticisms lightheartedly, compared  to  Filipinos who are  on the other hand, sensitive onions. TAMPO is how we call it in Tagalog and I cannot find a precise definition in English since it is a native characteristic common to the Filipino culture. When my tampo button is on, this signals that I am angry and that husband will be ignored all day. It has often driven my husband crazy so he quickly found ways that I cannot switch on that tampo button. For my part, I have to understand that I cannot behave like a sensitive onion all the time. 'It just doesn't help', as Sandra, a pinay  in the neighborhood who has been married for four years,  advised me.

Then my husband's turn, he told me how he admired Filipinos to be happy, smiling individuals  that even in times of calamities, they can still manage to shrug off the hardship by cracking jokes and taking selfies. Contrast to the Dutch people who are constantly complaining 24/7, maybe even in their sleep . If I have the tampo button, my husband has the KLAGEN button. Klagen is the dutch word that means 'to complain' in english. My duty as a responsible wife is to keep my husband away from pushing this button. To do this is simple, just allow to  fully activate my brain wire connections to the vocal cords and  with all my might, call out these words - 'SHUT UP' then he puts on an imaginary straight jacket.

My husband and I are indeed two different persons but  we have decided to  embrace our differences with courage instead of take it with fear and lose courage.  I just have to begin to build up my comfort zone again, slowly but surely  pull out my shyness in public and throw it back to the blind spot. Give it some time. Work hard so soon I can feel  home in this loud Dutch community, no matter how quiet I am. 

The Opposite Game - part 1

If I were to compare Manila to the city where  I live now -Assen,  the examples I can come up with are  in extremes that you can imagine  these  two cities in opposing poles. In general, Philippines and The Netherlands are so different in many ways. For almost a month of  inhabiting  Assen , I can already name heaps of things that are so unlike to what I have been accustomed to in Manila. It makes me think of a game I played as a child- the opposites game. How I played it with my playmates ? Well,  we would say one thing and would  mean  the opposite and it would carry on  for the entire day. Now in real life,  I want to think that I am just playing the opposite game. The only big difference is that I am a full grown adult now and I am no longer pretending of the opposites because the present situation now is that whatever I can see ,  feel, hear, touch  are this time the opposites  of what  I have learnt and understood by heart.  What strikes the most is that this is the reality now for me but I prefer to think of this reality as the opposite game.  That way it is just like swallowing  a sweet sour candy instead of a jagged bitter pill. Though every once in a while this reality attacks  viciously on my awareness as I ponder to myself- ' for  how long do I have  to  play this game?'  Surely, it does not just  last for a day because maybe I will have to play it  for the rest of my life. Then my panic self posts the next question,  " how long does it take YOU to endure this game?"

Anyway,  to lighten things up, I try to put my analytic cap on while looking at how interesting it can be to experience the 'opposites':

 HEATER vs AC 

Let's take one good look at -TEMPERATURE. Say someone from Manila would like me to give them a  vivid description of  Holland;  as quick as a speeding bullet, the cold temperature is the very first thing that will come to my mind. At this exact time in Manila, people are screaming 'Ang init!' (so hot)  while the Dutch curses 'zo koud!' (so cold). The summer weather in Manila is scorching hot that  everyone there must be seeking the comforts of their air-conditioned rooms in 16-degree temperature.  Now here  in Assen the outdoor temperature is 18 degrees and where am I?  I am in the refuge of our cozy home with the heater on at 18 degrees. Come to think of it-  warmth and humidity are so scarce here  that for each  time I turn the heater on   means adding more  digits to our electric bill. Contrary to tropical Manila ,  a higher Meralco bill means regular use of the AC overnight! 

THE DUTCH TREAT vs THE FILIPINO TREAT 

In the Naar Nederland book I remember reading this - 'Je krijgt maar een koekje bij de thee'. This statement points to a commonly known  dutch habit where a cookie is usually offered next to  tea or coffee.   Often referred  to as the dutch treat and  widely understood by many as being stingy.  In Tagalog , we say 'kuripot'. On my husband's defense, " it is not stingy but conserving " , a practical  habit  that may well  be traced back to its  low country origin of flat and below sea level areas. Polders and dikes made most of Holland up, als het staat onder water! (or it goes underwater)  and a big percentage of its land mass were reclaimed out of lakes and seas. Flooding became obviously a common disaster between the 11th century until the early fifties. The Dutch must have felt painful losses but they  also realize that suffering is optional so the problem was dealt with thorough care and  it brought great impact to the development of  their commerce, infrastructure and economy. Due to flooding, livelihood then  must be  rather  difficult thus I speculate it must have lead these people to become practical rather than extravagant. 

Sufficing the cookie-tea example, I got a better view of  the 'dutch' treat in action when I was invited  in a  birthday party. First of all, attending  a birthday celebration for a true-blood pinoy like me is like entering an eat-all-you can restaurant. Other than carrying a gift and a mental list of karaoke songs, the most important thing to remember is to arrive at the function with an empty stomach. A pinoy birthday is celebrated with glorious, upsized  courses that is beyond measure.  In Holland unfortunately, birthday and feast are two things that do not go together. Make this a warning to everyone-  never attempt to skip your regular meal before attending a dutch birthday party.  Here is how a feestje (party) is celebrated in Holland : 

-guests greet the celebrant, 'Gefeliciteerd!'  

-everyone stay around the living room 

-beer and nibbles are  served

-everyone are  engaged in uninterrupted guttural chit-chats

-beer is finished

-time to go home

**To be continued on my next post  - The opposite game 2