Priest: Why do you want to divorce your husband?
Woman: Because I can't take him anymore.
Priest: Why can't you take him anymore?
Woman: We fight a lot, and more often about the smallest things...
Priest: Like what, tell me more.
Woman: More than a dozen of times I have reminded my husband to squeeze the toothpaste properly, not in the middle of the tube, but he does it all the time!
That woman is not me but in more ways I am in a similar situation to her. I said that because of the petty fights I have with my husband. Ours is not all about a toothpaste but we can pick up small fights from a number of household and personal items. Such as the sugar content in an orange juice drink or even my chosen ringer sound for notifications. Few times we argued about security and PUK codes on our iphones. TV is the usual starting point of our fight. More often it begins small and then gradually, becomes explosive like the dreaded atomic bomb.
As I have mentioned on my first post, the fairy tale chapter of our love story already ended because this is now the reality. A kind of reality more of a punch on my face because for yelling it out loud - my husband and I are in fact, two different persons. We got along well because we have something in common. Well for the newlywed couples out there, you better braise yourselves for this piece of advise: You will get to know your real partner once you both live under one roof.
And what did I find out big time about my husband? Now I know he is a complete opposite of me because while I keep quiet, he just keeps yapping. No longer I am feeling grateful to be off working as a teacher and listening to 65 kids and 6 co-teachers . Here I can hear my husband give feedback, justify, analyse, complain, stress and moan. Honestly, it is like hearing my students and co-teachers all over again.
"The quietest people have the loudest minds"
Thank you pinterest for those rejuvenating words. Mulling it over gave me a feeling of relief. It has made me reach a certain understanding and acceptance of two things I cannot change - first is the culture I have been immersed in. Second and more importantly, my Introvert Personality. Those are two must-remember things to tell myself the next moment I gaze in the self-reflection mirror.
Woman: Because I can't take him anymore.
Priest: Why can't you take him anymore?
Woman: We fight a lot, and more often about the smallest things...
Priest: Like what, tell me more.
Woman: More than a dozen of times I have reminded my husband to squeeze the toothpaste properly, not in the middle of the tube, but he does it all the time!
That woman is not me but in more ways I am in a similar situation to her. I said that because of the petty fights I have with my husband. Ours is not all about a toothpaste but we can pick up small fights from a number of household and personal items. Such as the sugar content in an orange juice drink or even my chosen ringer sound for notifications. Few times we argued about security and PUK codes on our iphones. TV is the usual starting point of our fight. More often it begins small and then gradually, becomes explosive like the dreaded atomic bomb.
As I have mentioned on my first post, the fairy tale chapter of our love story already ended because this is now the reality. A kind of reality more of a punch on my face because for yelling it out loud - my husband and I are in fact, two different persons. We got along well because we have something in common. Well for the newlywed couples out there, you better braise yourselves for this piece of advise: You will get to know your real partner once you both live under one roof.
And what did I find out big time about my husband? Now I know he is a complete opposite of me because while I keep quiet, he just keeps yapping. No longer I am feeling grateful to be off working as a teacher and listening to 65 kids and 6 co-teachers . Here I can hear my husband give feedback, justify, analyse, complain, stress and moan. Honestly, it is like hearing my students and co-teachers all over again.
"The quietest people have the loudest minds"
Thank you pinterest for those rejuvenating words. Mulling it over gave me a feeling of relief. It has made me reach a certain understanding and acceptance of two things I cannot change - first is the culture I have been immersed in. Second and more importantly, my Introvert Personality. Those are two must-remember things to tell myself the next moment I gaze in the self-reflection mirror.
I-N-T-R-O-V-E-R-T- Yes , that is what makes up maybe a big percentage of my personality that is starting to show up again. Putting it in Johari's window panes , my introvert personality was once chucked into the blind spot area after gaining enough experiences and skills working for a multicultural school in Manila. Since I have moved out of Manila and the comfort zone I know is now about six thousand miles away from me, that introvert self is gradually moving back to where it used to belong - it is now exposed in public and going virally known to all!
"May, you've got to think out loud more often!", that was the advice I heard from a former expat boss eleven years ago. Come to think of it, I am hearing it again. This time from the person I sleep and wake up with everyday- my husband.
For an introvert person like me, living in a foreign community that is mostly dominated by people who are outspoken makes me think that I am less capable of many things. I basically need time to think before I communicate. For some reasons,When I am bombarded with questions that I have to answer shortly afterwards, I cannot fully express myself. Is there something wrong with me? Of course, I cannot live everyday of my life believing that something is wrong with me. So I give it a thought and I try to give justice to the alarming question I often ask myself instead of believing that it will just hold me back.
I came across Susan Cain's analysis of the introvert personality in her book ' Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking' . The title itself already strikes me with a thunderbolt because the Dutch community is mostly populated by extroverts and they are talking out loud. NON-STOP.
Amazing and at the same time, interesting. Putting it in my own analysis , Dutch extroverts probably have their brains' neurological wires directly connected to their vocal cords. Compared to mine, where maybe just a few are plugged in straight to my vocal cords and the rest are distributed to my other sensorial organs. However, the next thing to ponder on is whether the real culprit to loudness is a massive load of coffee drinking. (Hmmm... I better drink more coffee then)
Amazing and at the same time, interesting. Putting it in my own analysis , Dutch extroverts probably have their brains' neurological wires directly connected to their vocal cords. Compared to mine, where maybe just a few are plugged in straight to my vocal cords and the rest are distributed to my other sensorial organs. However, the next thing to ponder on is whether the real culprit to loudness is a massive load of coffee drinking. (Hmmm... I better drink more coffee then)
Going back to Susan Cain's book, I have read that Asians have this common trait known as 'quiet persistence'. One significant point I read is that Asians, if allowed to be quiet, are able to effectively solve problems compared to westerners , who generally think out loud when solving problems. After reading this, in my head I quietly screamed - HOW TRUE! This comparison between Asians and Caucasians were studied by educational researchers to see how cultural background affect learning in school. That was a compelling read that made me think about interracial couples, myself and my husband as one good example. At home, my husband and I can attest that each of us have distinctive ways of drawing out solutions to problems. Our approaches are so far apart that these can obviously manifest our opposite personalities and so the battle begins between the introvert versus the extrovert. As I have provided enough information, you can quickly take a good guess who (between my husband and I) is who.
Without bashing more on extroverts , what matters the most is how to even out cultural differences and this is belangrijk (important) particularly to married couples who have different cultural backgrounds. I may sound like I am in a complicated situation here since I mentioned how reality is like a painful punch but to survive, just simply punch back. No Pain , no gain.
During our quiet moments ( yes my husband can be quiet too) I have had serious talks with my husband who is after all a sweet , caring and supportive husband (not to forget to mention - gwapo too). In his most philosophical moment , this is what he said, Let us learn to celebrate our differences. So we asked this question to ourselves- What is it in Dutch and the Filipino Culture we feel most proud of ? We did not talk about our own culture but instead I enumerated what I observed about the Dutch that I like best, then my husband talked about what he most appreciated in my culture. On my own standpoint, I observed that the Dutch are straightforward but in a constructive way. They generally take criticisms lightheartedly, compared to Filipinos who are on the other hand, sensitive onions. TAMPO is how we call it in Tagalog and I cannot find a precise definition in English since it is a native characteristic common to the Filipino culture. When my tampo button is on, this signals that I am angry and that husband will be ignored all day. It has often driven my husband crazy so he quickly found ways that I cannot switch on that tampo button. For my part, I have to understand that I cannot behave like a sensitive onion all the time. 'It just doesn't help', as Sandra, a pinay in the neighborhood who has been married for four years, advised me.
Then my husband's turn, he told me how he admired Filipinos to be happy, smiling individuals that even in times of calamities, they can still manage to shrug off the hardship by cracking jokes and taking selfies. Contrast to the Dutch people who are constantly complaining 24/7, maybe even in their sleep . If I have the tampo button, my husband has the KLAGEN button. Klagen is the dutch word that means 'to complain' in english. My duty as a responsible wife is to keep my husband away from pushing this button. To do this is simple, just allow to fully activate my brain wire connections to the vocal cords and with all my might, call out these words - 'SHUT UP' then he puts on an imaginary straight jacket.
My husband and I are indeed two different persons but we have decided to embrace our differences with courage instead of take it with fear and lose courage. I just have to begin to build up my comfort zone again, slowly but surely pull out my shyness in public and throw it back to the blind spot. Give it some time. Work hard so soon I can feel home in this loud Dutch community, no matter how quiet I am.
During our quiet moments ( yes my husband can be quiet too) I have had serious talks with my husband who is after all a sweet , caring and supportive husband (not to forget to mention - gwapo too). In his most philosophical moment , this is what he said, Let us learn to celebrate our differences. So we asked this question to ourselves- What is it in Dutch and the Filipino Culture we feel most proud of ? We did not talk about our own culture but instead I enumerated what I observed about the Dutch that I like best, then my husband talked about what he most appreciated in my culture. On my own standpoint, I observed that the Dutch are straightforward but in a constructive way. They generally take criticisms lightheartedly, compared to Filipinos who are on the other hand, sensitive onions. TAMPO is how we call it in Tagalog and I cannot find a precise definition in English since it is a native characteristic common to the Filipino culture. When my tampo button is on, this signals that I am angry and that husband will be ignored all day. It has often driven my husband crazy so he quickly found ways that I cannot switch on that tampo button. For my part, I have to understand that I cannot behave like a sensitive onion all the time. 'It just doesn't help', as Sandra, a pinay in the neighborhood who has been married for four years, advised me.
Then my husband's turn, he told me how he admired Filipinos to be happy, smiling individuals that even in times of calamities, they can still manage to shrug off the hardship by cracking jokes and taking selfies. Contrast to the Dutch people who are constantly complaining 24/7, maybe even in their sleep . If I have the tampo button, my husband has the KLAGEN button. Klagen is the dutch word that means 'to complain' in english. My duty as a responsible wife is to keep my husband away from pushing this button. To do this is simple, just allow to fully activate my brain wire connections to the vocal cords and with all my might, call out these words - 'SHUT UP' then he puts on an imaginary straight jacket.
My husband and I are indeed two different persons but we have decided to embrace our differences with courage instead of take it with fear and lose courage. I just have to begin to build up my comfort zone again, slowly but surely pull out my shyness in public and throw it back to the blind spot. Give it some time. Work hard so soon I can feel home in this loud Dutch community, no matter how quiet I am.
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