Chasing my Passion

I know...  it has been a looonng time.  I was out of circulation due to the many distractions and happenings in my Dutch life lately but now I am back! I hope that you will allow me to reroute my writing topic to something else and  give a break to 'the opposites game' ( promise to give you more something vs something soon) . The text that you will read below was part of the application I sent for an online job. I was asked to write about my passion and at the beginning, I couldn't think of anything to write about. Why?  because I think I left all my passion behind together with the rest of the other things I did not manage to pack in my luggage (sob sob). The new environment I am in now brought about new perspectives and insights. In truth, it has been a painful learning experience due to the fact that I feel like going through the excruciating process of  unlearning, relearning and starting off from scratch. I felt I have nothing left in me. I cannot express my feelings because my Dutch is still F*/& poor. I think too Asian and too Undutch. I am not qualified to teach in the eyes of the Dutch Educational System. No one can even dare to hire me as a Nanny because I don't even know how to change diapers (wahh!) I asked myself, am I from now on stuck as the wife of --- Not that I am not happy to be a wife to my loving husband but I feel there is more to do than manage the household chores. Anyway before I drive you crazy with my moans, I'll stop. (Emo button off) 

This writing really helped  me because I realise that no matter how  much struggles I am facing now, still I am standing tall  and more than that, I have chased and found my passion. I hope that you will enjoy reading my new post! 

I have never grasped the true meaning of passion until now. Before,  I just merely equated it into something I loved to do. Passion as how I thought of it ,  was about the things we  found pleasure  in doing. If that clearly defined passion then I should have done the things I was mostly fond of- traveled to new places around the globe or immersed myself in world literature, history and the visual arts. Maybe I should have devoted myself  to Latin dance or to a  lifetime career of  teaching.  What if suddenly   the channels to do those things were taken away from me? Which, is the struggle that  I am now going through. Now, as I am  miles away from my native roots, home and  family, my identity has just been shoveled down under the grave.  Without  privileges, I have been stripped off of my  freedom to do what I loved the most. Above all, fear engulfed me and  I have  completely  lost track of my comfort zone and sense of purpose. Out of devastation I called,  ‘Where art thou passion?’

My passion  left me. While  paranoid thoughts suggested  that I forgot to pack it in my luggage before departure. At the highest peak of misery, I could choose between two things - allow fear to completely swallow me in one whole or  train myself to  let go of everything I feared to lose. I have decided to do the most unthinkable. On top of my out-of-tune voice I blurted out- ‘Let it go! So I have chosen to chase down my  passion like what my strong gut feeling reminded me, “ Catch it! It is just  hiding somewhere, playing hard to get”

So one fine day I was set to  begin the  journey in search of my passion . In my own little way, I picked up the remaining will and determination I had to protect myself from the growing army of insecurities and negative thoughts.  Embraced  with the most inspiring thought -  ‘Never play small’ , borrowed from the revolutionary vision of Nelson Mandela: ‘There is no passion to be found playing small--in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. So off I went with an ambitious mission to find  my passion.

Miraculously, I  have found it again- my passion! Out of random musings, I was reunited with my long lost friend. It happened upon drawing my attention outside our flat. There I saw  a   ‘fietspad’ (bike path) like a red-colored sticky  tape, stretched out as long as  550 meters wide. Staring at it brought my  imagination to the african wilderness.  I daydreamed   what it would be like to dash my feet along those long path and stride as fast as I could so as to outrun a swift and hungry cheetah.One tricky path,  I contemplated but running could be an escape  to the  hopelessness of my situation. Me, myself, I and the harsh of reality. Take the challenge? Challenge taken was my response so literally I was like Forrest Gump.  I began to run and quite amazingly, I felt the warmth embrace of passion.  

Of course it did not happen  in one sway of a magical wand. As I have said, passion has  a  bashful, not-too-easy-to-get attitude. The evidence was clear on my first run attempts that were  epic failures. On  my very first  few tries , I came home asthmatic, gasping for breath but I was too shameful to say ‘ mission abort’.  Instead, I pushed on. After all , I played a bit of reverse-psychology game. My weaknesses, no matter how exposed,  have  strengthened my defense mechanism. The longer I ran the more I kept pushing on my limits and in due course, it has become an effective self-help strategy. Ultimately,  I have learned the best lesson of all - to  face my fears and to conquer them . Even if  at some point, the image of  me being chased by wild jungle animals were replaced by an even terrifying image. That of a  giant monster molded in cold slithering wind snakes , stabbing my skin with their sharp rain tongues . Oh boy, those were real bad-ass bullies who kept  pushing me off  my limits. I just kept running as I focused my gaze a couple of meters ahead.  The key that I hold  onto is a positive spirit and  it  has kept me  going, no stops. I just have to  continue running.  

Now I am proud to say that I am finally reconciled to my passion. This time, it is  even in a better, upgraded version because it has not just shown me the path to survival but  more than that, it has  redirected to me to an even greater path- the path of which I can thrive. So where do you reckon this newfound passion will  take me? Let’s see,  I will just let it take the lead...