The opposite game part 3- precisie en snel vs langzaam en iutstellen

in English :  precision  speed ...s..l..o..w...m..o..t..i..o..n..  procrastination 

We are now on the third part of my infamous game called... (drum rolls please )  the opposites game!  Allow me to start it off moving back to Aesop's Fable about the Ant and the Grasshopper.
( If you are suddenly asking yourself - ' What is that story again? ' then just click on the title above)  

There goes  Aesop's story of the lazy Mr. Greengrass O'Hopper and  you must be wondering what happened next... So if you may,  I will carry on with  the actual events that indeed happened  to  O'hopper  after he realised 'the necessity of preparing ahead of winter' :

From a distance, he made a watchful survey of Aunty Ant's shelter that  had a full  stash of supplies. Slowly afterwards, his huge gaze turned towards the view of his empty home . Knowing his condition,  the green  creepy crawly was  no longer cheerful. All at once he became very sad but worse than that, he  felt  remorse then despair and worst of all, he felt  hunger.  His little stomach eagerly rumbled  so out of desperate measures, the once gracious grasshopper hovered carelessly into assiduous ant's place. He  took as much food as he could and gulped everything he had on his bare jumping legs! 

Scrunch. Gobble.  Nibble.  Swallow.

THAT made him  full,  complete and energetic. Once again the gracious grasshopper, keen to continue with his improvident ways maneuvered  to leave but then, this bulky-eyed green bug came into a silent halt. He was as still as ice,  staring at Aunty Ant whose wrath was imminent from her multi-layered eyes. Dropping to his thin green legs, poor O'hopper shivered in  flood of tears as he cried, "Forgive me Aunty Ant! I know nothing about winter until I start to live here because back in my homeland it was always sunny" 

Readers, I know that all of you are pointing your fingers to the miserable foreigner , Greengrass O'hopper and with no doubt consider him a victim of  his own predicament. Well what shall we say?   It is  the most unthinkable thing to do in the first place, to fly across the globe and for choosing among all the places-  the one with the harshest weather conditions. What else does this green insect would ever ask for?  When warmth is available all year round in the homeland he used to belong.

Although in truth , who are we to  blame Mr. Greengrass O'Hopper? Though with all due respect we know him well enough to label him the villain. Lazy. Bad influence. A thief caught in the act . But then again,  there is more than meets the eye as there are circumstances far-reaching than our eyes can visibly see.  Why did he decide to leave his native roots?  We do not know his real intention for setting foot on a foreign land as there could be one too many reasons . In fact, there are several  factors  that may have pushed him to leave. Maybe he is  in search for love, maybe  freedom  or perhaps  a risk-it-all adventure. Is he  just one plain, proof-risk lunatic?  

Greengrass O'hopperS. There are many of them. Here is one, writing this blog entry. All of us - O'hoppers are outsiders trying to fit in. Each one of us may have varying reasons for moving out but in commonality,  we all share a mutual understanding whilst beginning a new life in a foreign land. It is an understanding that is similar to opening a  package where we virtually unwrap manifolds of differences and opposites.  Yet right at the bottom of that package there is a surprising item waiting to be unfolded. Once this bonus item is found then an O'hopper's moment of  languishing is about to come to an end.   

So what is this hot item I just mentioned?  Let's  travel  way back to the history of mankind and revisit the  idea of natural selection. Remember how  Charles Darwin and his naturalist brotherhood society explored the existence primeval people, the cradle of mankind?  Like O'hoppers,  they also traveled from the African Savannah all the way to the north in search for 'greener pastures'. True enough,  they  left their homeland and opted to migration which was even of  greater risk during the prehistoric age that was 100,000 years ago.  That was epochs ago but still,  doesn't  that sound very legit?  Their move 'Out of Africa' according to sociobiologist J. Philippe Rushton opened new problems because in the  Eurasian regions where they settled in, the harsh climatic conditions posted greater demands.  The more they moved , the harder it was for them to get food, gain shelter, make clothes and raise children. Further to this, Professor Rushton identified the influence of geographical conditions to human intelligence as he elaborated in his book  ' Race, Evolution and Behaviour- A Life History Perspective'. He pointed out that climate differences influence mental abilities  hence in effect ,  the population of people who moved northwards became more inventive and developed complex survival methods . 

I cannot find the exact words to thank Mr. Rushton enough. His study is so relevant that it made my mental light bulb buzzed while I proclaimed, 'Eureka!' because I have definitely found the answer that I was looking for. I felt like stepping on gas pedals whist drawing nearer to the idea that  speed is strongly associated  to temperature. My verdict is that these variables are guilty of the crime : contrasting living conditions in tropical and maritime places. Don't get me wrong readers because I am not a pro like Professor Rushton or Charles Darwin so my analysis are not at par to their excellent academic standards. Just accept me more like a testing guinea pig because the bite of cold winter frost as well as  the blast of scorching summer heat- my skin felt both of those, enough  to validate my account of how temperature can affect speed. Upon deep contemplation, I am really convinced that those two variables are inversely correlated and from observation alone, I can attest that when the temperature falls down, speed accelerates. Take for instance how fast Europeans walk not because they have long legs  but also due to the fact that they are just made to move faster. On the contrary, a skyrocketing temperature enables speed to decelerate so you may well imagine the streets of Manila,  boiling hot in  35° Celsius and who would  ever  dare go race walking there?! no way! For a sweaty pinoy like me that  is obviously unfathomable. 

One other prominent figure is guilty and it is none other than Mr. Sunshine.    He is an impostor all along.   Come to think of it, this Mr. Sun is just a low-down , bastard ball of fire playing favorites at all times. He is shining more on one half of the globe and is shining less to the other half. That is just not fair.  All my life I have been deceived for thinking  he works hard like a farmer,  up and about at 6 am and exhausted by 6 pm. But no! He behaves differently on this side of the world. He is more  like an arrogant, expensive doctor who is only available for a 10 minute-consultation then after that God only knows when he will be available again. 

Due to this scarcity to warmth,  I realise that people at this side of the world adapted to a life of speed and precision. Technological breakthroughs were developed to make life convenient and efficient, or     fair enough, to make life bearable. In other words, people who moved northwards have indeed evolved. They threw away their procrastinating ways and enthused procaffeinating ways with desirable end results- snel en precisie. They are quick and precise  and all I can say is - OMG that's so anti- Filipino time!  

What is Filipino Time? Here is one example to describe it.  Let's pretend I have an appointment at 8 am and  when I arrive :
Early - means I made it at 7.59 
On time- I made it there between  8.00 to 8.05 
Late- 20 minutes have passed , I still haven't arrived because of traffic, maybe will be there in another ten minutes 
Very late- - one hour have passed, still not there because there was no Taxi available and traffic was  bumper to bumper 

Here in the Netherlands, everything is laid out in detail of quantity and quality and  I have come to realise that here, time is equally precious as gold. It  costs money and for a standard dutch treat, it can be very expensive. Because of that,  everything must be accurately calculated. For instance, how much time you have to bike from home to the train station, how  far  the distance you have to travel from one city to the next,  how much longer in minutes and seconds you have to wait in a queue, at what time the rain will pour and end, how much a kilo of meat costs so therefore it costs this much in x grams,  even how many kilowatts of electricity you have to consume in a year!  (wheew!)  When back in the Philippines the only way to tell that I consumed a lot of electricity was because my bill from Meralco went over 3,000 pesos or I could tell I travelled a long way was because I sat in the bus for eight hours (geeessh) 

To sum up this third part of my opposites game as  Greengrass O'hopper , I have  unraveled  important things beneath the surface and have come to realise them clear as crystal. The need to refrain from a rather slow-motion,  laid-back life which is a luxury and the need to reconfigure, to reboot , to adapt , to be reinvented and be like snappy and precise Aunty Ant.

The opposite Game Part 2- Quiet Versus Outspoken

Priest: Why do you want to divorce your husband?
Woman: Because I can't take him anymore.
Priest: Why can't you take him anymore?
Woman: We fight a lot, and more often about the smallest things...
Priest: Like what, tell me more.
Woman: More than a dozen of times I have reminded my husband to squeeze the toothpaste properly, not in the middle of the tube, but he does it all the time!

That woman is not me but in more ways I am in a similar situation to  her. I said that  because of the  petty fights I have with  my husband.   Ours is not all about a toothpaste but we can pick up small fights from a number of household and personal items. Such as the sugar content in an orange juice drink or even  my chosen ringer sound for notifications. Few times we argued about security and PUK codes on our iphones. TV is the usual starting point of our fight.  More often it begins small and then gradually,  becomes explosive like the dreaded atomic bomb.

As I have mentioned on my first post, the fairy tale chapter of our love story already ended because this is now the reality.  A kind of reality more of a punch on my face because for yelling it out loud - my husband and I are in fact, two different persons. We got along well because we have something in common. Well for the newlywed couples out there, you better  braise yourselves  for this piece of advise:  You will get to know your  real partner once you both live under one roof.

And what did I find out big time about my husband? Now  I know he is a complete opposite of me because while I keep quiet,  he just keeps yapping. No longer I am feeling grateful to be off working as a teacher and listening to  65 kids and 6 co-teachers . Here I can hear my husband give feedback, justify, analyse, complain, stress and moan. Honestly, it is like hearing  my  students and co-teachers all over again.

"The quietest people have the loudest minds"

Thank you pinterest for those rejuvenating words.  Mulling it over gave  me  a feeling of relief. It has made me reach a certain understanding and acceptance of two things I cannot change - first is the culture I have been immersed in.  Second and  more importantly, my Introvert Personality. Those are two must-remember things to tell myself  the next moment   I gaze in the  self-reflection mirror. 

I-N-T-R-O-V-E-R-T- Yes , that is what makes up maybe a big percentage of my personality that is  starting to show up again. Putting it in Johari's  window panes , my introvert personality was once chucked into the blind spot area after gaining enough experiences and skills working for a multicultural school in Manila. Since I have moved out of Manila and the comfort zone I know is now about  six thousand miles away from me, that introvert self is gradually moving back to where it used to belong - it is now exposed in public and going virally known to all!

"May, you've got to think out loud more often!", that was the advice I heard from a former expat boss eleven years ago. Come to think of it, I am hearing it again. This time from the person I sleep and wake up with everyday- my husband.  

For an introvert person like me,  living in a foreign community that is mostly dominated by people who are outspoken makes me think that I am less capable of many things. I basically need time to think before I communicate. For some reasons,When I am bombarded with questions that I have to answer shortly afterwards,  I cannot fully express myself. Is there something wrong with me? Of course, I cannot live everyday of my life believing that something is wrong with me. So I give it a thought and I try to give justice to the alarming question I often ask myself instead of believing that it will just hold me back. 

I came across Susan Cain's analysis of the introvert personality in her book ' Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking' . The title itself already strikes me with a thunderbolt because the Dutch community is mostly populated by extroverts and they are  talking out loud.  NON-STOP.

Amazing and at the same time, interesting. Putting it in my own analysis , Dutch extroverts probably have their brains' neurological wires  directly connected to their vocal cords. Compared to mine,  where maybe just  a few  are plugged in straight to my vocal cords and the rest   are distributed to my other sensorial organs. However, the next thing to ponder on is whether the real culprit to loudness  is a massive load of coffee drinking. (Hmmm... I better drink more coffee then)

Going back to Susan Cain's book, I have read that Asians have this common trait known as 'quiet persistence'.  One significant point I read is that Asians, if allowed to be quiet, are able to effectively solve problems compared to westerners , who generally think out loud when solving problems. After reading this, in my head I quietly screamed - HOW TRUE! This comparison between Asians and  Caucasians were studied by educational researchers to see how cultural background affect learning in school. That was a compelling  read that made me think about interracial couples,  myself and my husband as one good example. At home, my husband and I can attest that each of us have distinctive ways of drawing out solutions to problems. Our approaches are so far apart that these can obviously manifest our opposite personalities and so the battle begins between the  introvert versus the extrovert. As I have provided enough information, you can quickly take  a good guess who (between my husband and I)   is who. 

Without bashing more on extroverts , what matters the most  is  how to  even out cultural differences and this is belangrijk (important) particularly  to married couples who have different cultural backgrounds.  I  may sound like I am in a complicated situation  here since I mentioned how  reality is like a painful punch but to survive, just simply  punch back. No Pain , no gain.

During our quiet moments ( yes my husband can be quiet too) I have had serious talks with my husband who is after all  a  sweet ,  caring  and supportive husband  (not to forget to mention - gwapo too). In his most philosophical moment , this is what he said, Let us  learn to celebrate our differences. So we asked  this question to ourselves- What is it in Dutch and  the Filipino Culture we feel most proud of ? We did not talk about our own culture but instead I enumerated what I observed about the Dutch that I like best, then my husband talked about what he most appreciated  in my culture. On my own standpoint,  I  observed that  the Dutch are  straightforward but in a constructive way. They generally take criticisms lightheartedly, compared  to  Filipinos who are  on the other hand, sensitive onions. TAMPO is how we call it in Tagalog and I cannot find a precise definition in English since it is a native characteristic common to the Filipino culture. When my tampo button is on, this signals that I am angry and that husband will be ignored all day. It has often driven my husband crazy so he quickly found ways that I cannot switch on that tampo button. For my part, I have to understand that I cannot behave like a sensitive onion all the time. 'It just doesn't help', as Sandra, a pinay  in the neighborhood who has been married for four years,  advised me.

Then my husband's turn, he told me how he admired Filipinos to be happy, smiling individuals  that even in times of calamities, they can still manage to shrug off the hardship by cracking jokes and taking selfies. Contrast to the Dutch people who are constantly complaining 24/7, maybe even in their sleep . If I have the tampo button, my husband has the KLAGEN button. Klagen is the dutch word that means 'to complain' in english. My duty as a responsible wife is to keep my husband away from pushing this button. To do this is simple, just allow to  fully activate my brain wire connections to the vocal cords and  with all my might, call out these words - 'SHUT UP' then he puts on an imaginary straight jacket.

My husband and I are indeed two different persons but  we have decided to  embrace our differences with courage instead of take it with fear and lose courage.  I just have to begin to build up my comfort zone again, slowly but surely  pull out my shyness in public and throw it back to the blind spot. Give it some time. Work hard so soon I can feel  home in this loud Dutch community, no matter how quiet I am.